Missing My Mom on Mother’s Day

I miss my Mom every day but it’s brutal missing my Mom on Mother’s Day.

I’ve been dreading this day: the first Mother’s Day without my beautiful Mom. It’s gut-wrenching, and even more so than I expected coming on the heels of losing my precious Luca just days ago. Honestly I don’t even want to get out of bed today. And I might not.

But I did want to honor my Mom with a blog post today. I’m still grieving her loss and it’s been nearly a year now. I’ve been working on a tribute post for her but I haven’t yet finished it. I’ve been really struggling with it actually and I’m not quite sure why. After my Dad passed I had his tribute up in two days.

I’ve run the gamut of emotions these past eleven months. At times I felt like a pinball being flung around aimlessly and other times I was just plain stalled out, incapable of moving. I was removed and withdrawn from friends, having no desire to engage with anyone at all; and then when I did engage, I often had outrageous reactions very uncharacteristic of the person I am. I was angry, I was depressed, I was sad, I was envious of people who still had their moms and the unfairness of it all was a burning sting.

I felt extremely guilty about not finishing the tribute post that I had started. I’m no stranger to procrastination, that’s for sure, but I’ve really felt enormous guilt for not completing Mom’s tribute, as if I were letting my Mom down by not posting it and I wasn’t honoring her in the way she deserved to be honored.

Self-imposed deadlines came and went (“I’ll post it at the one month anniversary of her passing,” “The three-month mark will be a perfect time to post it,” “The six month anniversary is coming up and I really need to get this done”…). The more time that passed the more guilt I felt. I talked to a grief counselor about it because I was truly baffled at how I just seemed absolutely unable to finish it, and at the same time how could I dare let her down like this and not honor my amazing Mom?

I’m glad I did talk to that grief counselor because I was able to at least quit beating myself up about it. He even said it wasn’t uncommon at all. How so? He said he often sees grieving people experience this same type of delay hurdle, like when one is not able to write the obituary or one can’t seem to order the headstone. He said it’s as if those things – and my tribute post – represent finality. An ending that can’t be reversed. Completing these things is like putting the period at the end of a sentence. Finality, like reaching that last word when you’re reading a great book that you don’t want to end.

I really got that. THAT hit home. So yeah, all this time has passed in these last eleven months and I haven’t been able to put the period at the end of the tribute sentence.

As today approached, I knew that Mother’s Day has forever changed for me. It will never ever be the same. Perhaps today, a day when people the world over honor their mothers, would be the perfect day to finally publish the tribute post for my Mom.

HOWEVER, yesterday I opened the Word document, started scrolling through it to see what else it needed to be complete and came to this realization: Holy Crap! This tribute is 11 pages long – and that’s without the photos! The word count at this point is showing to have 335 lines of text and nearly 6000 words! I can’t expect anyone to sit and read through all that!

So… I decided (this won’t surprise my blogging friends, I’m sure) to do a Mom Series. I’ll be able to share all that I want to share about my Mom, but just in smaller chunks. My Mom Series will be forthcoming.Today’s post is simply going to be a shout-out to my Mom and to all the amazing mothers out there.

I saw this on a Mother’s Day card and I really liked it:

When a mother says “I love you,”
she also means “I’d do anything for you.”
When she wishes you “Good night,” she’s saying “Your dreams are my dreams, too.”
And when she calls out “See you soon!” she’s promising
“I’ll be with you wherever you go.”

I miss my beautiful Mom so much! I talk to her all the time. And I sure hope the last line in that verse is true. I hope she is with me wherever I go. She is of course always with me in my heart, but I hope her spirit tags along with me too. There are so many times, several times a week, or a day even, when I find myself saying, “Mom, I wish you were here to see this!” or ”I wish you were here to do this with me.” or “I wish you could go with me today.”

Thankfully, my Mom is in my dreams often.

And those are the very best dreams.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love you! 

 

And Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers out there!

12 thoughts on “Missing My Mom on Mother’s Day

  1. Hi, Michele!

    Thank you for telling us about your wonderful mother in this Mother’s Day tribute, dear friend! In recent years I felt like I was getting to know her through the things you told me via email, and it’s a pleasure to finally see pictures of her. A lovely woman she was! I remember how happy I was when you told me about moving her into a place of her own not far from you, comfortably furnished with items you lovingly selected for her. I know she greatly appreciated all your help in the years since you brought her and your dad to Texas. Please don’t think you let your mom down by waiting eleven months to pay tribute. I’m no expert, but I believe you were “shell shocked” and totally depleted by the other prolonged battles you have been facing such as caring for Picasso and Luca in their final months, weeks and days, and trying to recover from your fall and severe shoulder injury, plus the subsequent doctor visits and procedures. Think of it as a boxing match – “you against the world.” Sometimes you punch yourself out, become exhausted, and need to stand down and regain your strength to go the distance. I also agree with the grief counselor’s assessment. Your soul was crying “not another huge loss!” To acknowledge your mother’s death in the form of a blog eulogy was more than you could bear to do until now… until you were ready. Your beautiful mother was blessed to have such a loving, caring daughter. I look forward to your series revealing more about her.

    You have endured a very long season of loss, Michele, but I am sure that you have become stronger through it all, even if you don’t feel it sometimes. Take care and have a peaceful and restful day, dear friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Tom, for your very thoughtful words & heartfelt comment. I like your boxing analogy. Yeah, I done been plum knocked out a time or two Or three lately. 😉

      My friend Anita bought me a wonderful tea towel while we were shopping in the quaint Florida town Mount Dora. I have it hung and I read it every day. It says
      “Strong women are not simply born. They are made by the storms they walk through.” I love that! And I see both me and my mom in that sentiment: we both have weathered some serious storms in our lives. But we were able to be there for each other through them. Now I’ll have to face storms without her reassuring words and wisdom that I could always count on. And that just sucks, to not have her here to go through all that I go through, good and bad. She was my best friend. But I do think doing the series will help me because I’ve included several stories that make me laugh every time I think of them. My Mom was a riot to hang out with. She was quick witted and, well, you’ll see. You’ll read about some of our adventures. I know how much people who knew her loved her; I imagine that people who never knew her will come to love her through the little tidbits in my series. At this point it might’ve been the way it was supposed to unfold and now I’m kinda glad I waited this long because, as it just occurred to me yesterday to do the tribute in chunks, I think it will be much better to share her story gradually.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s kinda nice “picking up the ol’ blogging pen” and I think I might just start being a little more active with it. I know I’ve missed out on so many good blog posts by all my friends this past year. But I know you will have a lot of great ones for me to look forward to…
      XOXO

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  2. It’s good to see you posted, but sad to hear of your state of mind. I do understand and empathize with your feelings. I lost my father 30 years ago and still wish he were around for me to talk to–to ask things I forgot to ask when he was around and to get his thoughts on whatever might be perplexing me.

    The feeling of loss of my mother is far greater. She left us 6 years ago and I miss her so much. For several years prior to her death I would call her nearly every day. She was my biggest blog fan and always provided me so much encouragement. Even now I sometimes catch myself thinking about calling her but quickly realize that she’s not there to answer.

    I’m thankful for the good times I did have with my parents and that they didn’t leave with me being in any kind of conflict with them, but showing them my appreciation for who they were to me. A blog series about your mom sounds like a wonderful idea. Such a great way to express your gratitude and love.

    Blessings to you and hopes that you find ways to cope creatively and productively with your grief.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Lee,
      Oh it is so nice to hear from you! Thank you for sharing about the loss of your blessed parents.
      I too find myself doing the same thing you do, instinctively and so naturally reaching for the phone to call your mom, wanting to chat or share something exciting or whatever. And it’s such a let-down when you realize she’s not there. I do that so often. I even will start to go down the hall to her room to tell her something and then that disappointment hits with a heavy sigh.

      Thanks so much for your empathy and encouragement. I’m delighted to hear that you and others think my Mom Series is a good idea. That really gives me affirmation and confidence to move forward with it. Anyone who has experienced grief, sometimes the debilitating kind, knows that moving forward is vitally important.
      Thanks so much my friend. ❤️

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  3. Dear Michele, you are one strong lady! To endure all the losses you have suffered in such quick succession must be hard to bear, and my heart goes out to you. ❤ You have spoken of your beautiful Mom often, and I know your series will be a wonderful tribute. What the counsellor said makes perfect sense. Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. I hope you are able to get some rest. Sending love and hugs! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much my beautiful friend. I so appreciate all of your genuine and loving empathy & support. It really means a lot to me.
      I’m so happy to hear that you are looking forward to my upcoming Mom series! I think it will be very cathartic for me and I’m sure I’ll have much to share about that as well.
      Peace & love to you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. MICHELE ~

    This is kind of a rough time for me, also. I lost my Ma in 2005, and May includes not only Mother’s Day but my Ma’s birthday, too (May 13th).

    As I type these words, I’m listening to a Frank Sinatra CD she gave me (‘Songs For Swingin’ Lovers!’), because Frank was one of her very favorites. In fact, I played this same CD for her on the last day that she was cognizant of things going on around her.

    And on the 13th, I’ll be playing more of the music she loved so much.

    Hang in there, Michele. Because someday… [Link> ‘We’ll Be Together Again’.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    STMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Stephen,
      Well it’s Monday so I guess we made it through Mother’s Day. You’ll be in my thoughts this coming Wednesday as you serenade your Ma above with her favorite songs. And I bet they sound even sweeter where she is.
      Thanks for coming by, for sharing your grief too and for the fabulous Sinatra song. His music is the kind of music you just get lost in and stay spellbound until it’s over. His music had that powerful effect and it was really nice to start my day with Ol’ Blue Eyes. Today’s tone is set…

      Like

  5. Yes I know I will miss her every day of my life that is left! Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to leave a note. Much appreciated.

    Like

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