How I used to long for your kiss. Your soft lips knew how to speak to my body. Your kiss ignited my soul and set my heart ablaze. We fell in love, though we knew we shouldn’t. All the hours and days and nights spent together turned the heat up on our love, especially those nights in front of the fireplace, the sultry sounds of Motown playing in the background and our love smoldering in the hot embers of our passion.
We knew this couldn’t last, but we were in too deep. The more time we spent together, the harder it got to be apart. We were hooked. And it was so amazing. It scared the shit out of both of us because no way could this last. It was too good to be true.
You used to joke when we’d be out somewhere that people could see us together and know immediately that we weren’t married because we were so happy! That was probably a true statement. We were, after all, living a fantasy. But God, it was an incredible whirlwind.
And then reality hit. Like an unanticipated tornado. I’ll never forget that night. You paged me, I pulled over to use a pay phone on the side of a downtown street. It was misting rain but I didn’t care. I dialed and you picked up the phone. I think you started the conversation with “I’m sorry” and I knew. I felt a pit in my stomach. My hands were shaking. And as if on cue, the rain started to pound harder, just like my heart.
You said you had tried, but when you told them you were leaving your kids cried and begged you to stay. And you said you owed it to them to stay. You had to at least try to make your marriage work.
“So this is it?” I asked.
I started to cry. I could hear the anguish in your voice. I know you heard the devastation in mine. The rain poured on me and I don’t know which was coming down harder, it or my tears. I stood at the phone booth, crying into the phone, while raindrops splattered down around me, just like my world at that moment. I heard you softly say, “I’m sorry” and then you gently placed the phone down on the receiver. I stood there holding the phone to my ear, the rain washing the salty tears from my face, listening to pellets of water pinging off the metal booth and the stinging sound of the dial tone as the finality sunk in. It was almost cinematic, that scene.
I heard you broke your sobriety after that night. And for that I’m so very sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. What a horrible path we chose to walk together, the whole torrid affair. Five lives crushed. I pray for forgiveness in one breath and yet in another I’m remembering that first time with you. I know it’s you who calls me and hangs up sometimes. I can tell by how gently the phone hangs up. It’s okay. I think of you too. Maybe in another life.
A few legitimate relationships later and I’ve found that I’m much happier alone. I decided I actually hate being in love. Love fucks with my head too much. And that messes with my peace of mind. And that is something I simply can’t tolerate anymore. No way. Peace and freedom – they’re everything to me now.
Although I miss your amazing kiss, the ones I get now are of a whole other kind…and they’re ones that keep me sane. These kisses are way better for me. My heart has never been more full. I guess God forgave me after all.
Copyright © 2014 Michele Truhlik. All Rights Reserved.