K is for Kiss

KHow I used to long for your kiss. Your soft lips knew how to speak to my body. Your kiss ignited my soul and set my heart ablaze. kissWe fell in love, though we knew we shouldn’t. All the hours and days and nights spent together turned the heat up on our love, especially those nights in front of the fireplace, the sultry sounds of Motown playing in the background and our love smoldering in the hot embers of our passion.

We knew this couldn’t last, but we were in too deep. The more time we spent together, the harder it got to be apart. We were hooked. And it was so amazing. It scared the shit out of both of us because no way could this last. It was too good to be true.

 

pencil sketch: You're the Best by Naleme

“You’re the Best” by Naleme (c2012-2014)

You used to joke when we’d be out somewhere that people could see us together and know immediately that we weren’t married because we were so happy! That was probably a true statement. We were, after all, living a fantasy. But God, it was an incredible whirlwind. 

 

And then reality hit. Like an unanticipated tornado. I’ll never forget that night. You paged me, I pulled over to use a pay phone on the side of a downtown street. It was misting rain but I didn’t care. I dialed and you picked up the phone. I think you started the conversation with “I’m sorry” and I knew. I felt a pit in my stomach. My hands were shaking. And as if on cue, the rain started to pound harder, just like my heart.

“Why?”

You said you had tried, but when you told them you were leaving your kids cried and begged you to stay. And you said you owed it to them to stay. You had to at least try to make your marriage work.

“So this is it?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I started to cry. I could hear the anguish in your voice. I know you heard the devastation in mine. The rain poured on me and I don’t know which was coming down harder, it or my tears. Alone in the Rain gif (http://i514.photobucket.com/albums/t350/anthonymuthu2008/AloneinteRain.gif) I stood at the phone booth, crying into the phone, while raindrops splattered down around me, just like my world at that moment. I heard you softly say, “I’m sorry” and then you gently placed the phone down on the receiver. I stood there holding the phone to my ear, the rain washing the salty tears from my face, listening to pellets of water pinging off the metal booth and the stinging sound of the dial tone as the finality sunk in. It was almost cinematic, that scene.

I heard you broke your sobriety after that night. And for that I’m so very sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. What a horrible path we chose to walk together, the whole torrid affair. Five lives crushed. I pray for forgiveness in one breath and yet in another I’m remembering that first time. I know it’s you who calls me and hangs up sometimes. I can tell by how gently the phone hangs up. It’s okay. I think of you too. Maybe in another life.

A few legitimate relationships later and I’ve found that I’m much happier alone. I decided I actually hate being in love. Love fucks with my head too much. And that messes with my peace of mind. And that is something I simply can’t tolerate anymore. No way. Peace and freedom – they’re everything to me now.

Although I miss your amazing kiss, the ones I get now are of a whole other kind…and they’re ones that keep me sane. These kisses are way better for me. My heart has never been more full. I guess God forgave me after all.  

dog giving a kiss

-A kiss from Cleo  (me & Cleo 2013)

Copyright © 2014 Michele Truhlik. All Rights Reserved.

A is for Apology

A A Letter of Apology to My Rainbow Bridge Pack

In case I didn’t tell you when we were together, although I’m sure I said it a hundred times, I want to apologize for what you had to endure in the first part of your life. I’m sorry that you saw that worst in mankind. I’m sorry that you weren’t appreciated for the amazing beings that you are. I’m sorry that you weren’t shown love or kindness. I’m sorry that you were viewed only as a way to make money at the racetrack. I’m sorry that they tossed you aside when you didn’t “grade” into the racing life. I’m sorry that, after you ran your little hearts out in all those races and did the very best you could, they got rid of you because you didn’t bring in the money to line their greedy pockets. I’m sorry that, when you did win time and time again, they pushed you even harder and made you run and run and run until you were sick with exhaustion. I’m sorry that when you were injured, they left you to suffer in pain, unattended and without vet care for days. I’m sorry that when they were done with you, they didn’t care enough to send you to an adoption group. I’m sorry that they passed you off to some mean stranger who threw you into the back of a hot trailer to be transported to an underground racing ring run by cold-hearted criminals who treated you even worse than you were treated when you were with your trainer. I’m sorry that they fed you little, if at all, almost to the point of starvation, and used a live rabbit as prey to entice you to run while they cheered and placed bets. I’m sorry that they left you to fend for yourselves when they were done for the weekend, leaving you with hardly any food and just one bowl of water. I’m sorry that when the police found you, you were so weak you could barely stand and had to be carried to safety. I’m sorry that until that time the only thing you knew of humans is that they were a species that uses and abuses.

I hope that when you finally found your way to me that living became an exciting experience that you looked forward to every day. I hope that I made you feel safe and secure. Instead of feeling used, I hope that you felt special. I hope that you enjoyed the little excursions we used to take…the walks through the neighborhood, the playdates with other greyhounds just like you, the long rides in my truck where you stuck your heads out the window the entire time, and the occasional trip through the drive-thru where you got some surprise delectable treat. I hope that you enjoyed the time we shared snuggling on the couch, watching guilty-pleasure dramas and action movies. I hope you liked all the stuffies and rope-toys and the tennis balls that you chased in the yard. I hope that you liked all the lazy days you spent laying around, anyplace you chose, basking in the sunshine that came through the windows. I hope you liked that every night you got the majority of the king-size bed and were able to stretch your long lean legs out as far as they could stretch.

More than anything, I hope that you felt loved…because you were so very, very loved. I hope that you realize how grateful I am to you for loving me, for loving me every single day, without conditions. I hope that you know how incredibly lucky I feel to have shared my days and nights and months and years with you. I hope you know what a blessing you were to me. I hope you know how often I thank God for bringing you into my life. I hope you know how much I miss looking into your soulful eyes. I hope you know how deeply I miss you each and every day. And I hope you know that I know you are still with me in spirit and that I can feel you every time a breeze brushes against my face.

I hope you also know that I know you are waiting for me up there and that we will all be together as a family again someday. For now, my dearest friends and loves of my life, please continue to visit me in my dreams. Until we meet again, know that I love you with all of my heart and soul. Forever and always, your mama.

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Copyright © 2014 Michele Truhlik. All Rights Reserved.