If you saw my post the other day about Funny Tee Shirt Sayings, you saw that my favorite is “I’m a lady with the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor.” True to form, I have to start my new post with this sentence:
I fucking hate mosquitoes, those pestilent little bastards! I have literally been eaten alive by these aggravating little buzz-kills. The last three days have been absolutely miserable and the itching is maddening. It has brought me to points of desperation as just about every hour last night I was awakened by the intense itching. In an effort to not come unhinged, I tried almost every remedy that I could find on the internet.
I poured isopropyl alcohol on my legs and feet. I made some black tea and rubbed cold tea bags all over my body. I turned the bedroom into a salad bar as I rubbed myself down with apple cider vinegar. I swiped some Listerine mouthwash from the master bathroom and poured that on a soft washcloth to soak the wounds. I rubbed wet aspirin tablets on the bites. I tried a saltwater and baking soda paste. I even dabbed globs of Pepsodent toothpaste onto all the swelled mounds.
Today I rubbed raw potato slices all over my legs. I made compresses out of cold tea bags and taped them onto the worst of the bites. I’m eating Benedryl like candy and taking prescription Hydroxyzine. And after all that, I’m still scratching myself bloody! With all my limbs swollen and raw, I’m almost tempted to go to the damn emergency room to see if they can give me some relief.
Even the rum & cokes aren’t making it any better…